Girlfriend Issues?

[darthboer 1]

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost three years. We are both 19. We met when we were 16 and in high school. For the first year or so things were amazing. We spent a lot of time together. I come from a very stable, solid Lutheran home and have a great relationship with my family.

She is the opposite. Her family is full of drugs, turmoil, and deceit. She lived with her aunt and uncle who were mentally abusive since she was young. For years she took a lot of crap from them and they basically ruined her self-esteem.

Enter me. She had been in a long term relationship (2 years) with a boy in high school whom she didn’t like very much. We had been introduced by a mutual friend and had started talking online while she was still dating her previous boyfriend. She had already wanted to break up with him when I met her and after talking to her for a few days she finally did it. After that we were basically already going out. Although it was about a month before it was official. We dated very happily for a while, we had minor problems in our relationship just like everyone else does but we always worked through them. About six months in we realized we were in love and had sex for the first time. I had already lost my virginity (albeit I’ve regretted the circumstances of that ever since it happened.) and I took hers. We’d had a great time for a while after that and have been very close since the beginning.

Then I decided to enlist in the Marine Corps. When I did this she became very worried. I basically helped her overcome a lot of her self-esteem issues and built her up and she was terrified that I was leaving her for so long in the Marines. After lots of long talks and reassurances, we worked things out and she said she would stay with me no matter what, and I with her. However this was in early December of 2012. My ship date was in May 2012. She started to get more and more clingy and attached to me in those months which is certainly understandable. However, I am very much an introvert, and if you didn’t know, introverts don’t do well without having their space. I understood why she was doing this, but much to my chagrin, it got on my nerves after a little while and things became strained. Fights became more often and things were difficult. We always got through them though. At the same time, her family was continuing to psychologically abuse her and I was getting increasingly nervous about my upcoming time in the military. However, we both loved each other very much. We continued dating.

I had invested my entire life into the Marine Corps. I planned out everything according to that. I was very patriotic, and while I was scared, I was also totally looking forward to it. I loved my country and wanted to serve it and based almost every aspect of my life around preparing and immersing myself in the thought. Well, eventually my ship date rolled around (On mother’s day lol. O the irony.). I left for boot camp. Boot camp is naturally pretty shocking for just about everyone. I was no exception but I got through it ok until I caught a bad case of pneumonia that I couldn’t kick. Long (VERY LONG) story short, the pneumonia got bad, and I was diagnosed with asthma and sent home. I wasn’t really the same after that. I became depressed. Everything I had been planning my life around pretty much since I was a small kid was yanked out from under me and it hit me pretty hard. The entire time I was gone, my girlfriend and I were sending each other very loving, passionate letters. Everything about our relationship was perfect.

After I had been home for a week things started to go south though. I was still dealing with depression, and things started to decline farther for my girlfriend at home. As well as that another guy started ‘hunting’ her. Things became strained with my girlfriend again. This guy who was hunting her was into a lot of the same things that she was, however she didn’t like him in any romantic capacity, and I know that to be a fact. She only liked him as a friend albeit, a lot. However, he was constantly saying suggestive things to her and I was getting quite irritated about it because she wouldn’t stop talking to him even though we talked about it multiple times, since it was extremely disrespectful to me. She would stop talking to him for small periods and would always resume talking to him again. One of the problems was that even though I know she still loved me, I was unintentionally distancing myself from her because of my depression. I was pretty lost at that time and it was reflecting on my day-to-day life. However, even though I didn’t always show it, I was still very much in love with her.

After a few more months of this, our relationship had grown uneasy. We both definitely loved each other 100% but, life was getting in the way. Then she got kicked out of her house by the psychos that effectively raised her. I went to help her move out very faithfully and stood up to her family whenever they slighted her. I defended her, and I did my best to help her through that time, even though like I said, I was unintentionally distancing myself from her. She had to move back into the house where she grew up as a small child where there were many drugs and bad influences. She always stayed clean and didn’t ever have any interest in touching the drugs (heroin) or anything of that nature, not even alcohol. We continued, and we were basically happy even though things were becoming more and more difficult during that time due to the fact that we were both going through pretty hard times and having our own issues. The important thing is that we still very genuinely loved each other.

We had the most real, and honest relationship that I could ever describe to you. However, that hunter that I previously mentioned to you was still talking to her. I tried to let it go because I didn’t want to be controlling, however some times I couldn’t help myself and asked her to stop talking to him. And she would. For about a week. However, I never doubted her faithfulness to me. It just hurt me that she didn’t seem to care that this was so disrespectful and mean to me. Things got progressively hairier. Like I keep stating, we always loved each other and there was no infidelity.

Then the owner of the house she was living in died. She was very close with him as he was the one family member in her life that had stayed consistently kind to her for her entire life. This was devastating for her, however, I did my best to help her through it. Sometimes I don’t know if I was just saying the wrong things, but she would get upset with me sometimes and not want to talk to me about certain things anymore. I wanted nothing more than to make her happy, but for some reason, perhaps due to the distancing, it wasn’t working. Keep in mind that this entire time, my depression had actually been getting worse as well. In the middle of the fall of 2012, she moved out of the dead man’s house and into her other relatives’ apartment down in a very large city. I live in the suburbs of this city as did she her whole life. So now, we were still very much in love, but due to college and other things, I wasn’t getting to see her as much anymore.

However, we still made it work. We were still in love. However, the distancing had gotten even worse. As much as I hated it, I was having trouble communicating with her, and she was still going through a very hard time because of all the turmoil that she’d been experiencing. Things have slowly deteriorated since then. She had been becoming more and more bitter towards me, saying that I didn’t care or make any effort to come see her. Things did look bad from her perspective, however I explained to her time and time again that I was just very busy (I was!) with school and homework. I have taken an 18 credit hour semester at school and so I usually didn’t have time to go out to the city. I slowly became more and more focused on my school, unintentionally shutting out most people around me including my friends and family. However, I didn’t realize this until a few days ago. We were still very much in love however. I didn’t know what I was doing and I’d snap out of it sometimes and make her happy.

However many times in retrospect, I guess I just seemed distant. She was getting increasingly bitter and unhappy with how things were going even though she loved me very much. Soon however, I loved you turned into “Why don’t you ever talk to me?†And even though I was trying my best to, I was so focused on school and still so depressed that I never realized how hard things must have been for her. Due to the bitterness and my lack of accurate reflection on the whole situation (which is one of the reasons that I’ve taken the time to write this out.) I thought that things just weren’t working between us because we were too different or something. I didn’t want to feel that way, because I still loved her very much, but at the time it seemed like the only explanation.

Last week, I was working on school work one day when I got a text message from her saying that she was going to hang out with the hunter. He was going to come downtown and go to an art museum with her. I was trying to be positive and keep an open mind so I said that I didn’t mind. I figured I’d give the guy the benefit of the doubt. I don’t know if I’ve been clear on this thus far, but even though we had grown distanced, we still communicated most of the day every day through texting. Just felt like I had to include that. Anyway, so she has a lot of fun at the art museum with the hunter. I’m happy for her because she needed to get out a little more often. Things had been getting pretty bad last week and we had talked about breaking up. However it never happened.

Then last Thursday (March 14th), she told me she had feelings for the hunter. I later learned that that was a ploy to get me to pay more attention to her, apparently. I couldn’t hack it. I’d been having problems with her and the hunter for over a year. That in combination with the fact that I discovered that she had been holding his hand, as well as what I had been thinking that we needed to break up for other reasons finally pushed me over the top. I broke up with her on Friday (in person). I did it both because I cared about her and knew she was unhappy and for myself. It was extremely rough and to make things stick with her I had to say some mean things that weren’t even true in order for her to be upset enough to accept the breakup. Saturday night at about 10, she begged me to get back together with her and I said no. I wasn’t mean at all on Saturday, but I was firm.

Over the past 48 hours, I realized a lot of things. I realized how unintentionally distanced that I’d become. I realized my depression and how to get around it, and what most hit home with me was just how much I loved my girlfriend. I realized that I would literally do anything for her. So Sunday, I called her and tried to get her back.

I was refused. It was too soon and I had been too mean according to her, plus even though before it was just for show, now she thought that she really did like the hunter. I later found out that she had gone to the hunter’s house after the breakup and cuddled with him (and who knows what else-cuddling was all that she admitted) for most of the night. He’s been Mr. Nice Guy in her ear after mean old me broke up with her. (Can you smell the resentment that I have for this douche?) The hunter is very manipulative, and he saw his chance and he seized it. He seized her. He had been after this for a year. However, I kept and open dialogue with my (ex?)girlfriend going. And I’ve been talking to her and promising her the world (and I really mean it. I haven’t felt this alive in a long time.). However, she said to me that she has feelings for the hunter now but still loves me. She said that he is interested in all the same things that she is and is nice to her and pays attention to her.

My sister says that he’s just a rebound and it will end quickly, but it really hurts my feelings and pride that she could jump to him so quickly after having been with me for so long. I thought that what we had was more special than that. I don’t know if this means that she doesn’t respect me or what. I do know though that I love her more than anything and want more than anything to get her back and to fix everything and start over. I know that I can make it happen on my end. I just don’t know if I should be putting up with this that she’s pulling with the hunter or not. I don’t know how to win her back or even if winning her back is a good idea. I know that that’s what I want to do, but I don’t know if that would be what is best. Can anyone please give me some advice? Also if you read that entire thing, you deserve an award. It is four and a half pages in Microsoft Word.

[Aetherwalker 1,863]

Firstly, a girl like that would have seen your enlistment as you making an active choice to abandon her. Totally understandable for her to seek a man who isn't going to run away to the other side of the world to leave her to look after herself.

Secondly, if you died in combat, what about her? Did you ever think about that? Don't you think that maybe she was hurt that you care more about what you want, enlistment, than you do about looking after her?

Finally, you just have to live with the consequences of your choices. If she doesn't want to come back because you choosing to abandon her hurt her *that* much, then you just have to live with it and move on.

Sorry mate, not meaning to be negative, but I've known enough people like your ex-girlfriend and been through similar things myself to know how people like this think.

[Hordern 2,177]

Well a couple of things I shall post before editing with some actual stuff about the post:

A new forum account, and a thread like this, don't expect every reply on an internet forum to be a positive and helpful response. Some people out there get their kicks from being nasty where they know there's no consequences.

As for the post itself, I'm not going to analyse your situations because it's impossible for anyone else to know exactly what you're feeling. The following is all based from my own experiences of my last relationship (similar timeframe and she had also had a very rough prior relationship (though that had been about 5 years rather than 2) - which had ended up in getting the police involved) and how some of the stand out points in your post relate to what I went through. Sorry if it seems a bit like I'm doing the same thing as you here and posting about my last relationship, but I'm not doing it for my sake, I'm providing examples that I hope you can take your own thoughts from rather than telling you how you shoud be dealing with your situation.

Please note that I am providing this info from the view that I now know my last relationship wasn't right for me and I'm spotting the similarities between mine and yours. HOWEVER, I am not telling you your relationship with this girl has ended, I can only link to my own experiences.

Firstly: The steady distancing.

This happened to me [and where I say me, I mean us as in my ex and me]. Now that I've had time to look back objectively, we were VERY different people. Yes, we loved each other a lot and it was likely those differences that sparked some of the initial attraction. One admires qualities in people that you don't have yourself. However, we were too different. She had her ideas of who I could be, and I loved her, so I tried to change, but in the end I couldn't become the person she wanted. I was also no longer the person she had fallen in love with. Many friends have commented how much and quickly I changed back to being me when the relationship ended.

Secondly - constant references to loving them.

Yes, we loved each other, and at one point I took some counciling about an issue I thought was the main reason behind the slumping of the relationship. I noted during the few sessions (about 4 I think) that I would skirt around problems with my girlfriend. I can think fast and always managed to steer the conversation away from her barring to say I loved her etc. I did of course love her, but if you find you have to keep justfying it, or reaffirming that (which you do a LOT in your post), to me it says that you know the relationship isn't right but you're trying your best to bury that feeling.

Thirdly - The rebound.

I didn't, she did. I'm still single, she started a new relationship within about 2 months. I have come to realise this is a problem on her end. She is the one that needs the feeling of worth that she gets from being in a relationship. In her mind if you're not in a relationship, then clearly she's not a person anyone cares about. This is clearly absurd, but hey, the fact that the longest gap she's had between relationships since she started her first some 15 or so years ago is just a matter of months shows she is the one with the deep seated problems, and while I understood some of these issues while we were together, and tried to help her, I just wasnt able to. I like to think she did learn some things from me (she's an incredibly active - knows what she wants, 10 year plan, driven, motivated etc etc etc while I'm laid back (some would say lazy ), take it as it comes, no particular plans type of person) such as how to take a step back and just ignore the world from time to time, but sadly I don't think she did.

Finally, a piece of advice and my own view on what I'd do now in your situation:

Stay true to yourself. Don't change yourself for someone else - that's what sunk me. They need to love you for who you are, not what they think you can be. Concentrate on you, not her. You have your own problems to deal with, and although you may think this might be easier with her by your side, you won't be happy with her until you've got through your own troubles first, and the added worry of trying to help her and whether it's actually going to be OK again is going to make looking after yourself very hard.

I personally would not try and get her back immediately. Do stay in touch, let her know you still care, but not all the time - you need to distance yourself from her, so that you have the opportunity to sit back and look at yourself and see how you feel about being single again. Was the relationship really that healthy? You say you come from a loving supportive faily - talk to them, tell them to give their honest opinions and understand that what they say will be in your best interests. I know my mum was happy to see the end of my relationship though she was nothing but supportive of it during it. I asked her why she hadn't said anything and she said that she would have done if I'd asked her, but that it wasn't her place to get involved without an invitation.

If you love each other enough, and it can work, then believe that it will work. Don't try and force it to work.

I met someone a year ago that is actually perfect for me. We're not together because we're both undergoing massive life changes (careers, relocating etc etc) but it's likely that our lives are on collision course and I would not be surprised if in 2 to 3 years time we do actually get together. If it will be, it will be.

Hope this helps.

[darthboer 1]

Firstly, a girl like that would have seen your enlistment as you making an active choice to abandon her. Totally understandable for her to seek a man who isn't going to run away to the other side of the world to leave her to look after herself.

Secondly, if you died in combat, what about her? Did you ever think about that? Don't you think that maybe she was hurt that you care more about what you want, enlistment, than you do about looking after her?

Finally, you just have to live with the consequences of your choices. If she doesn't want to come back because you choosing to abandon her hurt her *that* much, then you just have to live with it and move on.

Sorry mate, not meaning to be negative, but I've known enough people like your ex-girlfriend and been through similar things myself to know how people like this think.

I understand where you're coming from man, but that military was like 8 months ago. I'm afraid that it's been a different beast since then.

A new forum account, and a thread like this, don't expect every reply on an internet forum to be a positive and helpful response. Some people out there get their kicks from being nasty where they know there's no consequences.

Yeah, I half anticipated that. But the reason I posted here was because I've been playing Wurm for a week or two now and in that short time, I've met a lot of good people, and hoped that the forum-dwellers would reflect that.

Edited March 19, 2013 by darthboer

[silverback 11]

Wow buddy,

Now I see why you haven't been online much.

I know what I would do but I also know that its a criminal offence so I do advise you to not go along with thought #1.

Secondly, if I was to lose my wife (been together since I was 17, im now 22) . I would KILL to get her back <With that said I know this would only hurt her , therefore hurt me in return . I feel your pain honestly I do , I was nearly in tears imagining what I would be like in your shoes.

Time for advice.

Step-back , DONT GIVE UP but do not go over the top with it, and always remember Actions Speak Louder than words..

Keep your chin up fella .

Btw bad comments from people are a learning curve bud, always gonna happen take them in your stride.

[darthboer 1]

Wow buddy,

Now I see why you haven't been online much.

I know what I would do but I also know that its a criminal offence so I do advise you to not go along with thought #1.

Secondly, if I was to lose my wife (been together since I was 17, im now 22) . I would KILL to get her back <With that said I know this would only hurt her , therefore hurt me in return . I feel your pain honestly I do , I was nearly in tears imagining what I would be like in your shoes.

Time for advice.

Step-back , DONT GIVE UP but do not go over the top with it, and always remember Actions Speak Louder than words..

Keep your chin up fella .

Btw bad comments from people are a learning curve bud, always gonna happen take them in your stride.

Silver! What's up man. I've been meaning to get a hold of you regarding my absence, but yeah as you can see, I've been a bit busy lately. I'm almost done with those blades though! But anyway, yeah I've already considered option one many, many times haha. I've come to the conclusion that it would not be the best idea however easy it would be. Actions speak louder than words...yes they do. Now time to think of an appropriate action!

[rosedragon 2,282]

Give her a time, give yourself a time. Then rethink, of everything, including your life goals. There always sacrifice, can't have everything.. to what extends you will compromise? To what extend loved one will be for you? Or to what extend helping the country will be for you?

Can't put any advice on the romance parts, I don't have much experiences with them.

[silverback 11]

Silver! What's up man. I've been meaning to get a hold of you regarding my absence, but yeah as you can see, I've been a bit busy lately. I'm almost done with those blades though! But anyway, yeah I've already considered option one many, many times haha. I've come to the conclusion that it would not be the best idea however easy it would be. Actions speak louder than words...yes they do. Now time to think of an appropriate action!

Lol awesome about the blades but dw about those.

Give her a time, give yourself a time. Then rethink, of everything, including your life goals. There always sacrifice, can't have everything.. to what extends you will compromise? To what extend loved one will be for you? Or to what extend helping the country will be for you?

Can't put any advice on the romance parts, I don't have much experiences with them.

^

Romantic parts = no advice needed romance comes from the heart.

Romantic stuff below lol

1.Re-do what you done in highschool to steal her heart back *face palms* lol

2.Do something you have never done before be creative

3. Follow in Silverbacks foot-steps whisk her off to a different country for a special event / celebration , buy a dozen roses (expensive ones), get her infront of an open fire, and ask her to marry you.

Im all out of idea's as I can't sing at all

[darthboer 1]

Give her a time, give yourself a time. Then rethink, of everything, including your life goals. There always sacrifice, can't have everything.. to what extends you will compromise? To what extend loved one will be for you? Or to what extend helping the country will be for you?

Can't put any advice on the romance parts, I don't have much experiences with them.

Thanks for your input, rosedragon. I appreciate it.

[Hordern 2,177]

Just in case you don't see - my post has been updated somewhat

[kryton 6]

Your only 19 life is short man

High school girlfreind was just that , move on with Your life don't look back! cause before you know it your 25 and thinking crap where did the time go

[rosedragon 2,282]

Romantic parts = no advice needed romance comes from the heart.

Oh, then I'm heartless.

[Pragmatist 165]

Hi Marty,

Thanks for posting. I don't usually reply to these threads but something you said early on struck a chord.

Wurm is a great community, and a lot of people will genuinely feel for your situation and want to help. I'm sure you'll get some useful replies here.

But please don't rely on what strangers post on a gaming forum over the advice of people who actually know you (and her) in real life.

Everyone has baggage, and everyone's baggage is different. People whose experiences seem similar to yours on the surface might turn out to be completely different when you dig a bit deeper.

Your situation isn't something that can be summed up in 4.5 pages of Word document. It's a heart problem; it can't be put into words and it can't be solved with words. And however much people may want to help, no-one here is going to fly over to Illinois and cry with you, pray with you, cook you dinner, make sure you get sleep, or do all the other things that you really need right now.

You say you have a great relationship with your family. If you have folk at home who love and support you, that puts you in a privileged minority, and you should make the most of that first. Answers here can wait till later.

Thoughts with you,

P

[Elen 1,013]

D the B. You're 19, there is plenty of life left to go and she doesn't seem worth your time.

don't look back! cause before you know it your 25 and thinking crap where did the time go

This quoted for truth, I freaking blinked and I'm 30 now.

Edited March 19, 2013 by Elen

[darthboer 1]

Just in case you don't see - my post has been updated somewhat

I did see. Wow, thanks for taking the time to type all of that, you've given me a lotta valuable insight. I wish I had something long and deep to say back, but I think that what you said just about covers everything.

Romantic stuff below lol

Oh silverback, you sly son of a gun. I dunno if I'm ready for the altar, but you bring some good ideas to the table. I will capitalize on some of them perhaps.

edited for grammar and typos

Edited March 19, 2013 by darthboer

[Rathgar 959]

-1

[Mormo 353]

Errmm, with all respect for your feelings datrhboer but people what`s going on with this forum....is it a blog about emotional problems or what....

[Hordern 2,177]

Well it's in woodscraps, and doesn't contravene forum rules, so... *shrug*

[darthryan 588]

Step 1. Join the Dark Side (Complete)

Step 2. ???

Step 3. Profit.

[Ayes 3,715]

Darthboer,

In my youth I belonged to a group of caring individuals who shared their problems with eachother in detail such as you have within your post. I would advise you to seek out a group of this sort in RL, as whatever responses you receive within this thread will do little to sustain you within your life on a daily basis to resolve your personal issues. Really, this forum is not the place to go into such detail about your personal life experience, as there is no real accountability here for any responses that you might receive.

There are many helpful groups in RL associated with various belief systems that are established to help individuals deal with RL issues and progress in their life in the direction that they choose. These would better serve your needs, unless you are just wishing to expose yourself to strangers here who will have nothing invested in your success either way.

=Ayes=

[silakka 2,360]

so is it all good now

[GTwander 18]

Pretty rough, but all long-term relationships in our teen years will only end up down one of two roads:

You succumb to the naivety of youth and the relationship lasts forever - even if you have bi-yearly breakup/divorce scares.

You learn that putting so much investment into a relationship during the prime of your life effectively wasted it.

It seems to me that since you were together so long, you never had other relationships to really determine the difference between a good one, and a bad one. This goes for both of you, and in your text I can just see how naive both of you seem to be. A 'hunter' and her just held hands? Really? Adult relationships move a lot faster than simple teenage coyness will allow. Perhaps that dude has no idea how it works either, but I can tell you right now - ###### was doomed long ago, and basically when she started hanging out with the guy. You should know that platonic friends are simply a backup, and the only ones I ever see argue the fact are the women, and they know damned well what the deal is too.

Take this whole experience as a way to start over, because you just lost a lot of time in this investment. I had a friend date a girl since high school, together 9 years, she rejected his marriage proposal after years of questioning if she was missing out on something better - now they both regret the time they lost. You are young, live that way - get out there and meet hundreds of women so that you can see what a good match is really like.

[Raybarg 442]

But please don't rely on what strangers post on a gaming forum over the advice of people who actually know you (and her) in real life.

I'd love to extend that a little bit.... never rely on anything you read, hear or experience, only rely on your own thoughts and assesment.

Take all what strangers post on a gaming forum, or what you read from a book, newspaper or hear from anywhere, as something that you can absorb into your frame of reference, which is utilized by your own mind when thinking and assessing.

Even the negative troll posts like what Rathgar and Mormo replied in this thread reflect to this "wisdom" of just absorbing it all, its very easy to accept everything if you dont try to fight accepting everything. I have no clue why people are so prone to challenging and fighting all the acceptance, its indeed very curious thing.

As to what to say to OP. Yes, I did read your whole post, carefully. Its well written story, you seem to have quite clear picture of how it happened from your perspective. The replies from some people, like Hordem and Rose, pretty much cover far more than I could have said. What I would like to elaborate is that youre in charge of how your life will go about and if something is constantly causing distress for you, you need to solve that problem in any way possible. Understand that everything you do, every decision you make, every consequence you face, they are all very acceptable, thats you and how you are. ONLY if you feel bad about something (especially if that happens continuously) you must resolve the situation because it "does not work" for you... otherwise it wouldnt cause distress. Most people need outside reflection in such cases because we are imprisoned by our beliefs and often cannot see trough clearly.

So, to drop the bomb here, the thousand points question; The "love" you refer to as what you feel towards her, how does that feel? Does it feel good? Did it allways feel good?

If it feels good, and allways did, then I agree with you, it must be love and you should tell her that because there is chances she doesnt know. It does not need to do anything of "getting her back". More about just being open.

[Silures 91]

Youth is wasted on the young. In case you can't see the future I'll skip you 20 years. You end up on your solar backed yacht cruising French Polynesia with a handful of selected camgirls filling your bank via sat uplink. You tend shoreline vinyards as a main hobby, giving the girls a chance to freedive the finer seafood before the night's beach bbq. On Fridays you take the pwc up rivers to sluice gold, do a little cryptobotany or hanggliding then sail to town to party out the weekend.

So I'm not even gonna try and help ya, too jelly.

[Ronnie 64]

Well darthboer, Let me tell you a few things soldier to soldier. I understand that you only dealt with basic training but that is still a lot of emotional stress hard for anyone to really with stand, and then as you said you had a dream of building a life around it with her.

I am some what in the same boat, Deployed to Baghdad,Iraq with the Military Police unit going all over the country inspecting all of their prisons. Well One of the missions went down hill and myself and others got hurt. To return home to have a messed up back to where I cant really even hold a civilian job. And the after effects of what I saw. At first I thought everything was over for myself and wouldnt be able to really do anything for myself as in housing/shopping/ect

Took me a while to go to the VA and talk with someone. Might be what you need to do, talk with a VA rep and see what they can do to help you out. As in mental health and well being. May seem silly at first but after a while you'll start to see that its really starting to help you out