Depression? I think..?

[RainRain 591]

I was reading a, visual novel of a sort last weekend, and at the end of it, it ended as a love story as i expected.

But something odd of the normal, i began to think of my own.

I had a pretty deep crush on a girl once, and pursued her for a while, but i decided for the better of me monday, the day i finished the novel, to give up.

I felt pretty good, i'm usually not likely to change, and usually hate the word, but i started thinking of some changes myself, one was to give up, for once.

Some that know me will probably already know, giving up is far from my normal nature, i tend to walk down a path and face death itself if it means not giving up.

but anyways, after that i planned to do more changes, i can't even remember now why i fell in love with her, but that thought is gone, completely.

What i forgot was, it left me without a single hope of love for the next few years.

This state is against my nature, the social status of many are against my normal, and i don't feel comfortable at all here, not anymore.

I decided to, next year, move to colorado with my biological father, after a year there go to boarding school, which i think being a bit independent and alone would be best for me, being pretty schizoid and pretty much an all around introvert.

I felt a bit happy at my thoughts, but that entirely changed throughout the night.

The only thoughts in my head were of the novel, of the girl crying right before the happy ending, blaming it on herself.

Of course, this deal isn't about the novel, i tend to get emotional during stories i read or anime i watch if i get into it, but this one seems different, in the way it relates to me.

I figure, if i have nothing to look forward to

What would be, my point?

I'm an atheist and thus anything to do with religion would be appreciated to be kept out of this thread, as pushing it on me would do nothing but irritate me, unless that's what you want to do.

So, i figure, what's my goal to live? I'm not suicidal, so don't get me wrong here, but it saddens me to know i don't have much of a purpose

I've previously tried to make some, but failed.

At first it was to learn as much as i could, then to find out if there was, and if so what would be the true meaning to live.

But now, i don't know.

anyways, i wake up rather early, given no alarm was set or anything, And fail to be able to put myself to sleep, only to think about the above topics.

All during the day at school, i fail to talk to any of my friends, and seem to stay there, staring at the desk or ground.

Normally my first period, i fall asleep.

And where i normally would have, i fall lost in thoughts about existence, goals and points.

Nothing was found.

Throughout the day all i notice about myself is my heart, and random intervals, sinking.

Just like that feeling where you fear your first rejection or something, and then it happens (though i've been through this before, nothing new to me.)

I think i would be sad? or is it depression?

I cannot lay a finger on what this emotion might be.

Anyways, the next day i confront my parents about my plans, they seem worried, thinking they did something wrong, i reassure that they didn't, and it's just me. Probably shouldve said something about "part of growing up" eh?

Well, she says it's my choice, later that day my stepfather talks to me while i eat something (noticeably, it's much smaller then my normal portion of food, and i've only brung myself to eat twice today, both extremely small portions. I have a big appetite most the time aswell.)

After some talk, i go to wash the dishes, and he says he'll be leaving my mother.

Initially, i'm a bit shocked inside, but in reality i don't care. I never cared much for my mother or stepfather, just the bond by birth that one always has, untill broken by abuse or something. Though, that has never happened to me, so i think of myself in disgust that i cannot bring myself to care about my own parents.

I ask why, obviously. He responds saying he thinks he's the reason i'm leaving, and that if my mom was alone, i wouldnt be leaving.

I laugh a bit, tell him he's wrong, etc, try to use logic in here (i haven't been with my real father for how long? i state (several years), he says i would never leave my mother when he first met her, when in reality that was because my dad was in war at the time. and because of my hate for change.)

i figure in the end he's just trying to pursuade me, but taking advantage like that makes me a bit paranoid, and now i'm stuck with a knot of guilt in my stomach.

I try and play a game with my friend, a bit higher-fast paced action. i cannot bring myself to play it for more then a few minutes, mentally exhausted after each try.

I try playing something more calm, like epicmafia, or wurm.

i succeed, but that feeling is still there, The waves of depression.

I don't know why i'm posting this here, i feel safest when i talk to people i don't know as well as other about my problems.

I should probably see a therapist or something, but that seems too unnatural.

I don't know, is this normal adolescent depression? i assumed so at first, but it seems.. different.

Whether you respond or not, or read or not, thanks for at least skimming over, if that.

I normally act like some massive idiot or clown, but even the idiots of the world can have deep thoughts, eh?

[Postes 5,282]

mmm

[Aetherwalker 1,863]

To be completely honest, you just have to find that well of inner strength to keep going, I totally know where you're coming from, I spent about 4 years feeling exactly how you described. So long as you keep ticking over and biding your time, you're sure to find something that will give you that kick start you need to get back up to speed. Personally, I found being a totally arrogant, narcissistic pratt helped me, because when you refuse to give a crap about anything and keep on truckin' regardless, there's nothing to stop you and you can do anything you gorram please. For me the depressed feeling started around 12, by 16 I was at university doing a Bachelor of Science, because it's SO much easier to succeed when you just have no other concerns other than being the best.

[Torluk 21]

Unlike the first two comments, I know compassion costs nothing and that I have little pride so I care more about trying to give another some kind words than whether I've been trolled or not.

The story you tell does sound pretty bleak, if you are feeling proper low then go and see a therapist there is no shame in it.  Also, no point feeling guilty over other people's decisions, if your stepfather wants to leave your mother that is his choice.

Other than that then I always find I can pick myself up by doing one of two things, firstly by throwing myself into some new hobby or learning process (once you begin to master some new skill you get an instant confidence boost I find) and secondly by grabbing my gear and heading out into the wild for a day or two (the combination of exercise and the pleasure of sitting around a campfire in the middle of nowhere always warms the soul as well as the body) although if you take the second option make sure you are properly prepared, don't want you ending up like another Christopher Mccandless.

But here is something I try to tell myself when I'm feeling down - Our brains filter reality for useful information, our focus guides our perception of it and our ideas and language choose which parts of it are vivid.  Control these and like all genuine humans you become a creator and destroyer of worlds through art. 

What I'm trying to say there is that reality is not so much meaningless and without purpose but that both of these things are created by the human condition and are subservient to your creativity.  You can choose your own meaning and purpose.

Failing all of that, grab an instrument or put on some banging tunes, start jamming/singing/dancing and let it all go.  Activate your boss drum. 

[flyingmonkey 1]

To be completely honest, the moment you start thinking of whats the point in life, is the moment you need to stop thinking of that.

It leads to a lot of dead end thoughts, just enjoy what you have and make the most of everyday.

Find something, anything, that takes your mind off thoughts like that.

[nervesplitter 0]

I've reached the point where I see no point in me living, although if I died people would be sad, kinda a one way street, things would be much better if I was never born due to all this that has happened. I'm basically running my dad down wherever I go, I live with my mum and my stepdad will force money out of him, I live with my dad's mum and all of a sudden he needs to drive me to a respite 50 minutes away where the kids try to sell me drugs, he takes me out of there because he doesn't like who I'm forced to mix with and now they're threatening to take him to court. Wherever I go I run them all down, yet I'm too young to do anything for myself, they try to force an introvert into school and then wonder why he doesn't want to go.

I wish I could say the best advice is to realize that life goes on, but that rarely helps. Just set up a life where whatever you do affects you more than anyone else, the meaning of life has changed from expanding the human race to throwing a couple of Gs into the government's coffers before getting taxed on your funeral and the money you leave to other people. I'm stuck at the point in life where I realize most people my age are complete morons, and the schools aren't helping. I get on better with adults because they don't say stupid things all the time and are much more controlled, yet they don't talk to me because to them I'm just some "kid". Before I moved here I was someone different, I had long hair and I liked rock and metal, I had 2 friends because everyone else hated me because of my taste in music. Now I've moved here I can honestly say being yourself is a crap choice, it's the right thing to do, but that don't mean people will realize that and leave you alone, they will bully you unless you're one of them.

Now I'm out of school and I've had time to learn and think, I thought about my future and saw that it's one big machine, you learn how to make money, then the government take most of that money and give it to those who didn't learn how to make money. My plans for the future are really just move somewhere in America, buy a big piece of forest, then make what I need with skill and not buy everything, although I can't see this working it's nice to look forward to trying.

Mix up your plans, do what you want, think about how much you want something then go for the thing you want the most.

[Wulfgar 1,132]

I guess posting random troll posts found on the internet is fun because you are bored in game?

:

[pierre93 63]

man some of that stuff u said is 100% me the last 4yrs, still the same and its just goin downhill from here.. in school/b4 sleepin and alot other situations i just get lost in my head thinking about stuff just like that,,, i know that this is depression cuz i cant even get myself out of bed anymore(ive lost weight, 8kg...),, i moved to my mum cuz i thought that it would make stuff better "fresh air"

but that just made it 10x worse and now i dont know wtf im gonna do, school is fudged because of the move so ill prolly just be one of thoose gettin welfare-checks, its just hard to get motivation nowadays..

And never think of the purpose of ur time here, i did that alot last summer, took me to very dark places.

[nikkunikku 75]

It sounds to me like you're growing, and starting to question things that you might not have even considered when you were younger.

Although it sucks, it is essentially a good thing.

Wait a month, and then see.

I understand that you're not saying that you're suicidal, but I had a friend who killed himself when he was 16 because he felt similarly. And the only thing I think now about it is that he missed out on everything. His problems would have been resolved if he just stuck around long enough to see. But now he will never have the chance. And I know if he was able to, he would have really regretted his decision.

Happiness is fleeting, and so is sadness in the scheme of things. You just have to let it wash over you.

concerning your stepfather, tell him it isn't right to place that kind of guilt on you. Especially considering it has nothing to do with him. It sounds quite manipulative.

[zadar 2]

Never, ever think about these things. Even thinking about why you should stay alive is bad, because it leads to ther other side.

My best advice is to mix up your schedule, add a new activity (that you enjoy), and just ignore those thoughts and live.

[Postes 5,282]

you're all be trolled, this guy is in doin' stuff. 

[MrGARY 12,421]

Pathetic to joke or troll about these things.

[ZarmaZarma 192]

I was expecting a bel air at the bottom of this. Both surprised and disappointed that I didn't find one.

Read another visual novel? Actually, all the ones I've ever see were horribly and soul crushingly depressing. Try watching Nichijou, lol.

[zadar 2]

Also watch The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, amazing story there. Pretty inspiring, if you can manage to follow it.  :

[Berris 593]

Is 'visual novel' a posh term for a long comic?

[Guest Docterchese]

I'm in a pretty similar boat at the moment... I would regard myself as an intelligent person - but I absolutely hate it. There's so much pressure on me all of the time, playing Wurm and music are the only things that keeps me sane ;D

The big problem for me is that I have no close friends. There are people who I can socialise with, but I can't open up about issues to anyone... including my parents. It's pretty horrid having to deal with everything on my own, humans are social animals. There was somebody who I've known since I was 4, but he's now turned out to be a complete idiot. Recently I did have one semi-close friend, but then a month ago she tried to kiss me... apparently you can't have female friends unless you want a relationship. Which is really depressing.  :'(

At the moment life for me is pretty bleak too, but I'm just trying to stay hopeful. I'd recommend that you try to have good friends. Also with me my (extreme) lack of motivation at the moment is really affecting my schoolwork, I'm struggling to stay on top of extra work that I took on 2 years ago when the going was a lot easier, of which I now can't get out of it. It's a downward spiral... I've considered suicide but if I jumped off a bridge tomorrow, then I wouldn't know what "could" have happened. Clinging onto the fact that good "could" happen in my life is horrendous, please try to get good friends and don't push yourself to the limits, like I have. I'm pretty much permanently exhausted, and I don't have time to stop and just think, I'm always doing work. Wurm is like a method of temporarily switching off for me  8)

After some research I've heard so many stories of people who were very clever but over-worked... they either killed themselves or now do a job that completely doesn't reflect their ability... like making cupcakes  ;D

Thanks for posting this topic, this has been a refreshing post to write. And stay strong, if you can get through this then it could really improve your strength as a person.

(Now back to my English coursework...)

[MightySheep 46]

I thought it was just copy pasta story from internets till end

I don't see any point at all for it to be a troll in fact seems legit to me

I think you're a good writer, you should write books for a living, I would not normally have read such a big wall of text

It is remarkably similar to me, in fact I've always thought how completely pointless life is, I don't care about anything, have any interests, find most conversations/talking very boring. Even when I found out my mum had cancer a couple of months ago, I barely even reacted to it, I was slightly sad for a moment and then soon forgot about it. I don't think I would be very bothered if I found out I am going to die either

Also, since you brought up religion, this is actually one thing many important atheist spokesmen (Daniel Dennett for example) consider. That perhaps it is not doing the world a favour at all by revealing all the flaws in religion because people gain a lot by having these beliefs and hopes and it gives them a reason for living. Maybe it is better for everyone to go on happily believing in a lie than the truth.

I don't really have any reason at all to be sad with my life and I wouldn't consider myself depressed at all, I just don't really see a point to anything, it's like nothing really matters in the long run. For me, the main goal in life is just to be happy. That does mean going to school and studying so later in life you will be happy rather than working some crappy 9-5 job.

Doctorchese, school is crap, endure it and you can do whatever you want after, have fun etc. If you want to commit suicide, why don't you drop extra work and take it easy, or just jump off bridge, no one would care anyway 

Why would you jump off a bridge? We are talking about the last thing you will ever do with your life, that is a such an unimaginative and boring way to go. Why not explode yourself on live TV or die for an actual cause or just make lots of money doing incredibly risky things since you don't care about death anyways. Or join the army, there's plenty of fun to be had when don't care about death

[Dextrome 123]

Pffft... just wait untill you get any real problems. Like health issues and nonstop pain day-in day-out.

Well, I used to be like you and looking back now it was really silly and they were actually the best years of my life... too bad I didn't try to enjoy it more >_>

But you're like what, 16? This is just your typical teenage angst.

[Dextrome 123]

Oh and you claim to not care about Death now, but we'll see about that when you're about to die... trust me, the moment you think you're about to die, you won't wanna die no-more.

But it seems you're all teenagers because the word school keeps coming up let's just talk again in 10years.

[MightySheep 46]

But it seems you're all teenagers because the word school keeps coming up let's just talk again in 10years.

I'm in university actually but I still fairly young I suppose and I agree that this is a very typical teenage thing, teenage suicide rates are high, especially in America, I watched a documentary about it

However I'm not depressed or suicidal or anything, I just deep down feel that nothing really matters, I doubt that will go away when I'm older, maybe I'll find things to fill my time and occupy my mind but it will always be there

Oh and you claim to not care about Death now, but we'll see about that when you're about to die... trust me, the moment you think you're about to die, you won't wanna die no-more.

It is most basic instinct to want to survive so you are probably right. I didn't necessarily say I wanted to die, I just think it is inevitable, so what difference does it make if it's sooner or later.

[Brolan 4]

Attention

This thread has been cleaned.

Continued failure to abide by the forum rules could result in accounts being penalized.

[Dragonpen 4]

Oh and you claim to not care about Death now, but we'll see about that when you're about to die... trust me, the moment you think you're about to die, you won't wanna die no-more.

But it seems you're all teenagers because the word school keeps coming up let's just talk again in 10years.

It's kind of silly to insist someone's problems don't exist because you believe you've felt something worse before. I'm sure it all feels very real to him, the intensity of emotions doesn't rely on the severity of the situation. However, if we're all game for making fun of people because their lives aren't as as someone else, I'm cool for that too.

[RainRain 591]

It seems my old opinions and probably still way of thinking isn't something nobody else shares.

I do, have trouble reacting to something that would quite easily shatter someone elses heart, i used to embrace this, feeling "superior" to others in my own, but it was not til now for me to lose this way of thinking.

Now i feel as if it's more of a handicap.

More then once have i found myself in a situation where a person close to me has had something terrible to happen to them, and the only thing i could do was say "I'm so sorry" (slightly being so, perhaps not for the terrible fate, but for the person being sad of which i felt so) and put on my bad fake frown.

I have realized this about religion, coming to the conclusion that if i ever were to come to an argument like this again, i'll quickly stop, i don't see any reason to cause a person to spiral into misery when they're already happy, even for a (what i believe, mind anyone to take offense) fake cause.

Only once has a person confronted me about that issue though, again an old crush, but this was just in middle school, and i'm pretty sure the emotion was shared, when i approached though, she rejected by the fact i didn't share the same religion, by pressing on this over time she explained she just wanted someone to be there, while i would obviously, even against my atheism, go to church to just be there with her, i decided to not state so.

I find it amusing how the talk of suicide and "big bang" way to goes has crossed my mind more then once, but in the end i decided suicide is a weak way to go, i figured before there must be a reason to be here, and if not to enjoy it in the fullest way i can, even if "enjoy" is only what a human would find so, whether by love, lust or thrill, perhaps expression or just socialization, perhaps that's what my "meaning" is?

I shouldn't leave out that you think "if i go, when i go it doesn't matter, since i don't care for it", at points i've tried to make myself care, and along with that in an attempt to make others.

At points i decided "i'll just be as famous as i possibly can be, in any way possible", but i realize how stupid and ,actually pretty cliche, it sounds.

I see you comment on my writing abilities, i'v never found myself an able writer and honestly never really liked it, so i doubt i'd ever pursue something like that, but as life goes on change.. happens i guess, i'v always hated change honestly, since i was young i decided i'd never change from what i was back then, mostly this has stuck around (partly surprisingly, as when i was young i'd probably still be talking as i am now.), but even at the smallest of points, you could say i'v gone against my word, not a surprise considering how young i was.

I don't think i'd ever try drugs, or bring myself to.

It seems not only healthy to my mind and body, but i'v always been delighted at the ability to just stand and think, almost as if i wish i could just stop time, and think for the rest of my eternal being, but being human i'd always need that urge to share it.

Oh, but anyways, i would think drugs would do nothing but cloud my ability, and even if not i don't think i'd like to do something like that (probably an understatement), and i'd hate to ruin my appearance(social, and physical i guess, even thought the latter is already pretty bad).

I probably know a better reason, but i'm still embarrassed it would probably be cliche in a utmost way and just seem silly anyways, even if i'v hinted it. Any deep readers could probably get a glimpse of what i think the other reason is, but anyways.

I might be young, i know this, but being myself i don't think my views will ever change, for certain be pushed off to the side, but not forever.

A.. friend? told me that thinking like this is caused by the "middle" years, which start at around 12, since thats when a person truly begins to think like this, 13 isn't a middle year, because you're finally what one calls a "teenager", 14,15 are, which is why thoughts like this happen, 16 is possib of liscense, you get it

I don't really believe her here, because even if it is what she describes a "middle" year, my birthday is not even a month a way and i show no excitement for it, as i have every year tbh, everytime someone asks me i respond "money, i guess". Being glad my, self described, "friends" can't even remember my birthday, so its best they dont bring me gifts, i'm not a person to really take compliments or gifts very well, and it usually just inspires a rather awkward moment.

Anyways, i'm not one to troll in a serious topic usually (if i ever do "troll", anyways, i do tend to joke around, or have rather far off opinions which seem like trolling (at points, covering up by saying i am)), and i wouldn't mind so much even if people came to troll, usually they're friends anyways, and it does nothing but amuse me.

"Friends"

I've always used that word, and i'm not really sure if my friends really are "friends", i've been described as someones "best" friend, but i don't really think i am, after all the only time we talk now, actually they were transferred out of my class, so the only time we talk now is the occasional passing by in the hallways.

I don't think i have any actual close friends honestly, just those i talk to meaninglessly, sometimes the occasional friendly joke, but i guess that's it.

sometimes it makes me wonder, what do i appear to others as? I've always assumed i was the "weird guy", as i made myself out to be, and far before, i actually made myself look repulsing.. the only logical reason was to actually avoid "close" relationships i guess.

I don't know if i regret that now.

[MightySheep 46]

[Touchmee 380]

still dont know if this is a troll or not but ive read it all, i get on with rain so i hope it isnt! me and you anytime bro <3 (dont tell moon)