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Ellietrap

Depression and Wurm

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@Ellie I can imagine how you feel, did have once a light form of depression and this was enough experience to fear it greatly. Also my beloved Sister has a incurably illness and at the begin she had strong depression to fight of.


So yeah - all who saying - stop being depressed or other comments, like you can change all if you want jadda jadda blah blah - are just ignorant, stupid and have no idea what they talking about.


 


Also I agree that Cele can be a lonely place since Xanadu opened. Just try to join a larger group/village. You do not have the pressure to take care of your deed, but being in company always if it fits for you to log in.


And don't give up fighting as you do - you have my deep respect for that 


Edited by Syrann
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You aren't the only one on wurm Ellie, you can count on that!

As I often say, though in different words/ways, "Those with the brightest smiles, often have the darkest of hearts"

Spoiler is some of my own story, if anyone cares.

The point of my saying,

Often times to people, I seem to be a really good person, someone that always raise's the groups mood, always make everyone's life better.

and people generally love to talk to me, because I listen to them, care, and even give advice - I LIKE to help. in general, that's what makes wurm worth playing for me, It's why I've done everything i've done - From the very start of playing, but in my own, unique, way.

Often times, the friends I do make, believe I'm a great guy, someone that's been very well taught, and well mannered, I wish I could repeat half the things I've been told by various people.

That's the part I let them see, The part I want them to believe. Usually, that works, though there are a few that have broken past that barrier, and know my full story (i'm sure they'll read this...)

Often times, though, when i'm in a mood, I snap at people for things that I really don't want to (it happens a LOT on this forum...>;/) and it gets worse over certain months.

I've got a great life to be honest, Most people would probably die in joy with what I've got, and my life's just starting, so generally people think I've got it made, and always tell me that, little comments here and there really upset me, because they assume I'm happy with it.

Over the years of my gaming experience (and I'll say, I've spent more then 600 days /played on one game alone, more less the countless others) I've met many wonderful people, people I learn from, and adapt there good traits, and learn from there mistakes.

But, even though I try my best to be someone that people can look up to, the person people can trust, and someone who remains neutral in a situation, there's a cost at helping people, and usually, that's a piece of yourself

I don't know how to explain that very well, but if you've ever talked to someone that's going through something, and here there story, maybe you'll understand what I mean a bit, just hearing what a person has to say can depress you, especially if there talking about a conflict of some type, so while your being nice and listening to them, your slowly being drained yourself. this happens even more when you have to help someone in some way, that forces you to choose something that you'd otherwise not. and this is only a very short example. but being a "good person" tends to leave you open for depression to sink in.

Then there's the other problem, the "Darkest hearts" part. While that may sound evil, that's not how I intend or mean it to be.

usually, People see Good and Evil as opponents, the good counters the evil, the evil counters the good, and that's it in most peoples minds.

I've said this to a few people already here, but what I mean by good people having the darkest hearts, is that they see things in a different way then most people, Usually, They can see the reason behind someone doing something bad, and "understand" why they did it (though not agreeing with it) Often times, we can also "think like criminals" would, and see exploits/the weak points in something, but instead of being a criminal, I think, it's to "counter" who would use that advantage for there own gain.

I guess what i'm attempting to say: is that we can, in part, be the "evil" as to counter it, and not use it for our own gain.

but even this....ability, drains you, you "feel bad" after finding some things out, or how you managed to obtain them, you'll feel like you either used someone, or something, against it's original intent. (I can't figure out how to put that better)

In essence, What i'm saying is, being "the nice guy" cost one's self there own happiness at times, there own enjoyment, and can push a person to there own limit.......And even over it.

a month or so ago now, we had a recent actor go over that edge - I remember from my childhood learning a great many things from the movies he was in, and laughing at a lot of them. he seemed to be, in public, a great person - someone who I'd let my own children, if I ever have any, watch and hopefully learn a few things from.

People were surprised at the details of his death. They couldn't really believe he did it, yet I could - I even mentioned to a few here. he was a great guy, that gave to much of himself to others, and for once, he was unable to step back over the line that, I'd bet, he'd been over many, many, times.

With that, I learned 1 final lesson: Understand where that line is, don't push yourself over the edge of it, and "be strong"

Depression also comes from all directions.

Obviously, depression itself doesn't come from being a nice guy. It comes from lots of things, Maybe family issues, friend problems, past experiences, not knowing what the future holds... everyone suffers from "some" amount of depression, some people more then others, and some a whole lot more. I can only wonder at yours, ellie but know this, Keep friends, they'll help you get through things, friendship goes two ways, don't always be the one to listen to them: let them listen to you. that's what friends are for, a real friend will understand your problems, no matter what they are.

If, for some reason you fear to do so, I can fully understand....I've yet to be able to live up to those own words, it doesn't mean however, that I can't "talk" about depression with a friend, if not the reason(s) for it.

My own reason? Mine is many mixes, For the above that i've said, to friend problems, past experiences, not knowing what the future holds....and not having anyone in real life that I can trust, more so then anything.

Everyone jokes the very small parts of myself I give them in real-life. I could only wish I knew a few of the wurm friends, and online friends, in real life, because at least they don't joke about a few of the things I share. I've given up on everything practically, the thing's i've attempted never work out, and when I begin to dream of what could be, it just puts me into a very......dark mood.

sad thing is, most of the friends that know me online, don't really even know me. they know all of this is general, but I still hide the deeper parts.

When I begin dreaming, I think of what I could do, who I could be, who I may find.......and then I realize, I've no idea how to do any of it, or where to go, or what I should even do with myself. I've been stuck on games for far to long now, that I don't know what reality even is anymore. And thus, i'm stuck where I am - Making forum post about it.

after all the things I want seem to go down the drain, I'm in a mood for a few days straight, sometimes longer, and during that time I try to avoid logging onto wurm, or talking to friends. It's even worst during certain months, those months starting now in fact....these aren't good months ahead for me, nor around a few other's throughout the year. the months are slow, cold, and give me alone time...... which is the opposite of what I want.

Ugh, I need to stop sounding so depressing, because now this will just spread it. That's not who I am or what I like to do, so i'll stop there. but hopefully a few walk away with a bit of understanding of what I mean, maybe even relate to it.

Remember, you're not something that's weak, even those nights you sit in a dark room, you're not going to break. the sun - your sun - will rise once again.

Edit: Wanted to put in, I wish I could like every single post here almost, nearly all of it deserves a clap on the back.

One I specificly like, is Valdors; My PM in game is always open. I am no expert on such issues, but it's amazing how great of a listener I can be. I have been trained by the finest girlfriends out there. And I do care.

PS: if you ever want to talk about anything, have a new friend, or just spam me for what ever reason, feel free to PM me aswell, On the forums or in-game, if i'm on, I'll no matter what be on Debit along with other characters, but debit is always logged in if I'm on.

Edited by Druidnature
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I have many different games and often take a break from Wurm because it's a slow game.
I've had depression for a long time and maybe depression is the reason why I leave, the negitive thoughts that start to run through my mind get the better of me and I just can't block them out anymore.

For me Medication helps and since I've been on it again I feel a lot better, I struggled to find the right anti-depres though, for a long times doctors kept giving me different SSRI's and none of them fixed the problem while giving me extreme side effects, then one day I met a doctor and she gave me Mirtazapine , it has helped me alot.

For some people maybe counsling is enough, for others they need medication as well. You have to do something about it though, you can't just leave it untreated.
If given enough time to think about things the mind can justify anything, even sucide.






 

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Thinking of everyone who is battling the Black Dog.  I wish there was a rare weapon with Life Transfer to hand to you all to fight it, but instead just know you are in my thoughts.  I know a few people in my own life battling this on a daily basis, and all I can say is that, even though you may not believe it, others care for you and miss you when you are not here.  You are special, unique and important.  Ellie, sending you open hands full of warm thoughts for the cold nights, and pm me here or in game if you ever want to talk. Like Valdor, I wil listen, and I care.  Elf.


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Obviously, depression itself doesn't come from being a nice guy.  It comes from lots of things, Maybe family issues, friend problems, past experiences, not knowing what the future holds... 

...

 

My own reason? Mine is many mixes,  For the above that i've said, to friend problems, past experiences, not knowing what the future holds....and not having anyone in real life that I can trust, more so then anything.

 

I think you'd find using the I Ching valuable. It would help you with the fretting over the future, and feeling there's nothing to trust. (Plus everything else in your life.)   :D

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I know your struggle. I sit in the same boat as you: I am diagnosted as borderline;I have a metabolism disorder in my brain that runs in the male side of the family. My father even suicided about 10 years ago and I have tried it already. Being born with it so its nothing that can heal or I just can "get over". Instead it just gets worse over the years with me getting older  and even taking the pills every day keeps me just "functioning" but not really "living". But since its not a visible injury or wound (and one that never heals) people dont know what to do and mostly just ignore or trivialize it.


 


I started on the epic cluster and stayed there over a year but our serenity deed (Sandslide) got hit with three major disasters in 6 weeks (2 meteors, 1 earthquake) and I left wurm after that because I just could not take it. Coming back after a year and getting robbed of a knarr just as I put in the last peg in the first month of my return was another moment where I was on the brink of just leaving again. Luckily I have found some friends who switched with me to Xanadu.


 


I have decided to leave my high skills on Epic and start fresh because I have learned that I as a person am not fit for PvP since every loss seem to give my depressions another push. Instead I have become part of a very happy and busy alliance on the lake near vrock and very gratefull for all the hours of talking with the guys and girls in alliance chat and TS.


Edited by Bekador
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I think you'd find using the I Ching valuable. It would help you with the fretting over the future, and feeling there's nothing to trust. (Plus everything else in your life.)   :D

a great gift Lorrainej shared with me..I Ching is a very nice tool to equip yourself with

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The little cartoon is really nice, but I think it has the potential to make the things worse, by creating some false hopes / expectations from live.


 


Having someone next to you (either is friend, family, a specialist or just a nice stranger) help a lot, but eventually have that person betray you at one point or another, many times make the things worse than where they started from. Or at least that's what happened to me, when I was betrayed by people I considered friends. And, unfortunately, giving a long enough time period, most people do betray us and mind their own business.


 


And it was only when I stopped believing in people and start believing more in my self, when I managed to win this battle. The moment when I stopped saying "it will be ok" or "X will help me be ok", but instead focus on "I can make it be OK".


 


Now I don't say to hide who you really are and what problems you might have. Not at all. Now I don't say to not socialize on people and try to have fun with them. Not at all. All I say is to avoid putting much hopes on others (who might betray you sooner or later) and just try to find the force to battle with this within yourself.


 


Just my 2 cents...


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The little cartoon is really nice, but I think it has the potential to make the things worse, by creating some false hopes / expectations from live.

 

Having someone next to you (either is friend, family, a specialist or just a nice stranger) help a lot, but eventually have that person betray you at one point or another, many times make the things worse than where they started from. Or at least that's what happened to me, when I was betrayed by people I considered friends. And, unfortunately, giving a long enough time period, most people do betray us and mind their own business.

 

And it was only when I stopped believing in people and start believing more in my self, when I managed to win this battle. The moment when I stopped saying "it will be ok" or "X will help me be ok", but instead focus on "I can make it be OK".

 

Now I don't say to hide who you really are and what problems you might have. Not at all. Now I don't say to not socialize on people and try to have fun with them. Not at all. All I say is to avoid putting much hopes on others (who might betray you sooner or later) and just try to find the force to battle with this within yourself.

 

Just my 2 cents...

 

besides that I think, what you say is really sad and in a way even disturbing, I DO know how that is, when you loose all trust in people...all hope and even believing that friendship could exist.

But I think there is one little mistake in your thoughts... you can not expect other people to help you with yourself, they can support you, but they can not give you happiness or make you feel better, you can only do that yourself. That has nothing to do with them betraying you, but that they simply can NOT know what is going on inside your own mind, they can only assume, based on what you tell them and based on their own experiences which probably vary quite alot.

 

I btw. don't mean to put your opinion down about this, I just want to maybe make you aware that just black and white is not really working out that well ... I made my own experiences in that direction and I can clearly say, that after I learned what "support" actually means and what I can do to help myself and to also see how and why other people are acting the way they are doing (often without them being aware of it) that it helped me alot to find some kind of happiness in my life, something I can use to make positive experiences and to help to deal with my negative ones.

 

don't give up in people...in the long run it will make you probably worse and maybe also feel very lonely if you never feel understood by anyone...

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besides that I think, what you say is really sad and in a way even disturbing, I DO know how that is, when you loose all trust in people...all hope and even believing that friendship could exist.

But I think there is one little mistake in your thoughts... you can not expect other people to help you with yourself, they can support you, but they can not give you happiness or make you feel better, you can only do that yourself. That has nothing to do with them betraying you, but that they simply can NOT know what is going on inside your own mind, they can only assume, based on what you tell them and based on their own experiences which probably vary quite alot.

 

I btw. don't mean to put your opinion down about this, I just want to maybe make you aware that just black and white is not really working out that well ... I made my own experiences in that direction and I can clearly say, that after I learned what "support" actually means and what I can do to help myself and to also see how and why other people are acting the way they are doing (often without them being aware of it) that it helped me alot to find some kind of happiness in my life, something I can use to make positive experiences and to help to deal with my negative ones.

 

don't give up in people...in the long run it will make you probably worse and maybe also feel very lonely if you never feel understood by anyone...

 

Yeah, maybe I miss worded that a bit...

 

My idea was not to give up on people, but just to learn to not count on them... and try to find a minimum equilibrium within yourself, while still appreciate anything you get from others - you know, just "hope for the best, prepare for the worst".

 

This way, when (or if you insist - if) s**t will happen and you will be left alone, you will be prepared to handle the situation and, at bare minimum, you'll be able to get back on your own two feed by yourself.

 

Plus, when you lower your expectations from others and you don't expect them to help and support you, you don't take as granted any help or support you may actually receive - no matter how small, and you can appreciate it way more.

 

And don't get me wrong. I don't encourage loneliness. Not at all. I do have friends, even very good friends I might say, about which I care a lot and which helped me a lot over the years. Is just that I try to stay in a zone where I don't count on that help, but just enjoy it when it comes. And I do try to find that minimum equilibrium in me, so even if everything else will crumble around myself, I could still stay stay tall.

 

But again... is just my point of view... and genuinely trying to help and avoid other people go through some things I went through in the past. If you find that wrong, I'm sorry and I honestly apologize.

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no need for apologize, like i said, I can understand you and it's only "disturbing" for me because I experienced those things myself and I always hope the same, that people don't have to go through the same crap that i did :/


 


and yeah, maybe I should have read more carefully also, even though it's difficult to be less "subjective" with those kind of things. I agree that not having expectations or lowering them CAN help, to not become utterly shattered or disappointed when it comes to other people...but it is always nicer to have some people you CAN trust, it just may be difficult to find those and it requires alot of honesty and openness to those people to even reach that point...or simply said: one has to make oneself vulnerable to allow people to gain ones trust, which is hard and scary thing to do.


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The reason I had posted the image in the first place was because for the longest time I always thought "If I can't fix myself, then how can anyone else possibly help?" I still feel this way, mostly, but always trying to bear everything on your own can be quite crushing. It's a lot of pressure, a lot of stress, and it feels like living a lie.


 


I went the longest time thinking like this, and trying to hide my depression as much as I could. I think I started even trying to convince myself nothing was wrong, but ended up making everything so much worse by doing that. I was ignoring my problem, and it definitely was not just going away. Lately I've come to sort of accept that I have it, so that I can try to understand why I have it and what I can do to eventually work through it.


 


Just knowing that there are people out there who care or understand and empathize can be enough for some things. It won't cure depression on its own, but it can be enough to help ride out a rough patch or give one a small bit of comfort in a particular time of need.


Edited by Ellietrap
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go raid and completely destroy someone, that always makes me feel chipper enough to keep going for a few days


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go raid and completely destroy someone, that always makes me feel chipper enough to keep going for a few days

On Freedom we catapult corpses onto neighbours deeds.

 

Feel free to catapult corpses at my deed Ellie. :P

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The little cartoon is really nice, but I think it has the potential to make the things worse, by creating some false hopes / expectations from live.

 

Having someone next to you (either is friend, family, a specialist or just a nice stranger) help a lot, but eventually have that person betray you at one point or another, many times make the things worse than where they started from. Or at least that's what happened to me, when I was betrayed by people I considered friends. And, unfortunately, giving a long enough time period, most people do betray us and mind their own business.

 

And it was only when I stopped believing in people and start believing more in my self, when I managed to win this battle. The moment when I stopped saying "it will be ok" or "X will help me be ok", but instead focus on "I can make it be OK".

 

Now I don't say to hide who you really are and what problems you might have. Not at all. Now I don't say to not socialize on people and try to have fun with them. Not at all. All I say is to avoid putting much hopes on others (who might betray you sooner or later) and just try to find the force to battle with this within yourself.

 

Just my 2 cents...

 

 

Fun fact, I was actually going to go AGAINST your post here......until I thought about it for a very short time.

 

All I can say is you just hit the very core of something, And I agree with you and miretta's post after this,  but I can definitely say the quoted post has some very good points.

 

Be careful who you trust, and trust nobody fully, unless you're prepared for the backfire

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On Freedom we catapult corpses onto neighbours deeds.

 

Feel free to catapult corpses at my deed Ellie. :P

 

 

I actually sent a champ troll there before you owned the place. Was trying to see if I could launch it into the water from my place.

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Took me long to realize how the hell did the champ troll get inside my locked pens


Then I heard it was the local hooligans *cough* ellie *cough* :D


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Ah yes. Some months ago, I made a wonderful delivery of about 10 corpses to my neighbor's yard... all with my catapult. I was practicing my aim and I am sure he didn't mind.


 


Of course, I hit his fence on one shot and went hunted for 30 mins :)


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I actually sent a champ troll there before you owned the place. Was trying to see if I could launch it into the water from my place.

 

Ahhh, I thought it would be funny to launch a champion brown bear corpse onto the same tile as some folks diggin in the public clay pit behind my boathouse back on Pristine.

 

Alas, I miscounted cranks in my giddiness and launched the darn thing into the roof of my own boathouse and was stuck with a bear in my roof for a week or so.

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:D Love the catapult stories, it's amazing how much brighter the world can seem when something makes you laugh.


 


This thread is totally awesome, for those publically ready to come-out about their depression and those many others not there yet. I echo the sentiment that almost every reply deserves a like.


 


My tuppence-worth is that different strategies work best at different stages of trying to cope. You can be more pro-active about attacking your demons only after you start to feel empowered by the support others can offer. When there's no possibility of feeling in control, all you can do is hope to avoid reinforcing the negatives by whatever means necessary. Apathy so great as to keep you in bed all day does not have to be accompanied by self-recrimination.


 


There's two categories of depression; that which seems justified and that which doesn't. People who've never had depression can sympathise more easily if there's an obvious cause, such as a terminal illness or extreme injury. The stigma comes from the nebulous causes of depression, though the awareness campaigns have reduced a lot of fear, especially the most obvious misconceptions such as that you can 'catch it' off a depressed person. But it doesn't stop people fearing that it could happen to them, because they don't see how they can guard against it. Take no notice of advice from such people, they're too scared to empathise in case understanding it is what would leave them vulnerable.


 


Sift through the suggestions from those with experience, and choose what feels right for you, not what sounds most rational. And for everyone's sake, reach out when you need it most. Even those who suffer from feeling worse themselves from trying to bolster you would gladly pay the price, because they want to be the person who is there for others because they need others to be there for them.


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In wurm, one of the things i have personally always done is mix other things in with the action timers.


 


I've learned to program, ive studied for courses ive taken/am taking, around in premiere or photshop.


 


If you mix the active parts of wurm with the active parts of other things, there is very little downtime.


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Clinical Depression (18 years on and off)
Acute Anxiety (18 years on and off)
Low Spectrum of Bi-Polar (Recent additional diagnosis)


That said, "Hi."


In my experience with Wurm over a lot of years, drama and breaks...Wurm can really help or hinder you, so no one is wrong on that point.

 

In my experience with depression and the other delightful issues the real truth is it takes a lot more then an online game to deal with any of the above. No one is going to magically make you better and it doesn't matter which delightful combination of issues you have. Using Wurm to try and forget for a few hours is the best you can expect. Rolf isn't that good of a coder to fix your mental health.

 

But not all is lost....there is things outside of Wurm anyone can try and when I say try I mean it's your effort that can make the difference:

 

- A councillor (Not all of them are "text book repeaters")

- Medication (There is no magic pill to fix you, but sometimes the right combo will help with basic anxiety and sleeping)

- A journal (For a dollar or 2 you know have a way to express ANYTHING you need WITHOUT judgement)

- A stress ball (A small squishy ball you squeeze) You can turn this into a habit, train yourself to use it eventually without thinking about it as a way to release some stress.

- A walk (Yeah I'm serious. It can be a stress reliever to go out and get some fresh or smoggy air.)

- Music (Pick something you like that's upbeat, so maybe not Nirvana!)

- Read a book ( It's good for you brain and sometimes gives you a bit of a break, no different then Wurm but possibly more educational.)

- Consider a part time job. (12 hour a week to bring in some money and self esteem can work miracles and it gets you out with people, being shut in for days IS NOT GOOD)

- Lower your caffeine intake ( It can aggravate your stress and sleep, plain and simple)

- Have a bath (Naturally soothing, candles and music are not a bad addition.)

 

 

My personal favourites are silly thoughts:

 

- I try to imagine what boxers the male staff might have. (I can if I want to!)

I figure Oracle is 'Smiley' Boxer!

 

My VERY favorite is new game content:

 

eg bunnies and bunny slippers.

I'm also open to killer bunnies.

 

I'd also like to catch fish pre-named.

Who wouldn't want a perch named Timmy?

 

 

 

 

My comments are not directed at any poster in this thread.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

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