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This was written a few months ago, and as I am starting to write again I am looking for some constructive criticism on it. Places to improve, things to help the flow, ect. There will be spelling errors, because I am lazy. Note, this is not written to offend anyone so keep all y'alls drama out!

 

The Dammed

 
       The cave was hectic, the usually dull light was split by the lanterns of thirty odd men and women, all finishing their preparations for the long night ahead. Catapults and carts where hoisted into the holds, followed by solid lumps of stone and lead. Water barrels where filled, meals wrapped, and even enough sandwich to feed this mighty army. A cry was heard, echoing through the halls, "Everyone into the mines!" Of course, no one payed it any attention. One by one, the loaded warships where sailed into the bright sunlight, the warriors pacing back and forth, playfully slapping and shouting insults to each other. One brave man attempted to gather some logs to improve his arrows, and almost drowned listening to the jeers of the crew. An attempt was made to save him, but it was the lucky toss of a fishing rod that managed to pull his sorry, soggy ass back to the boat. 
 
As the brave stallions where led to the rear of the boats, a hush fell over the rambunctious crew. "Tonight we raid The Dammed!" a commanding voice shouted, "We shall lay waste to these non-believers, we shall destroy their home's and return with the fabled hide of the Dragon!" A cheer went up, then a second command, "Now hold still for the Photo!" The men grumbled, and many helms where put on to hide their true identity. The gear's spooled and whined, then started to hoist the anchors out of the silt. As the Gale that was blowing caught the sail's the ship took off at an alarming rate, with the intend destination predicted to arrive in less than an hour. 
 
"Look to the East" the commander cried, and the men looked in awe as a Great white spirit rose out of the water to watch them pass. Some men trembled, and together looked in awe, whispering of the challenge of taking down such a monstrous beast. A Bow was raised, arrow cocked and string pulled taunt, only to be slapped aside by a man dressed all in red, leathery Armour.  "Don't be foolish" he growled, "least you bring death to every man, women and child aboard this ship."
His sentence was cut short, as a flag was raised from the lead ship, signaling that land was in sight. One more the murmur of the crew slowly died away, leaving only an eerie silence, leaving each to think about the wonder and danger that lay ahead. 
 
As the bow of the boat bumped into the shore, the group of attackers jumped into the waist high water, pick axes and hatchets at the ready. Some set about clearing the area while others began to toil at the face of the rock, creating a safe place to leave the boats. A single house was spotted, and before some egar members could break in, the Commander cut their ideas short, stating the real goal was just up the road. This man lead the first group into the forest, to scout and plan points in which this mighty army could fall back, if they where ever needed. A few younger members scoffed at this Idea, not fully understanding how such a force could ever be in danger, but these mine's did indeed save lives towards the end of this mission. 
 
A few hours later, as the dusk was begin to settle heavily on to the troops, each man and women stood in awe, looking at the looming fortress casting a shadow over the orchard in which they where camped. A hush fell over them as commanders discussed the best way to enter. Two tall stone walls proved to be the vulnerability, and as the first Crash of the catapult shot hitting hard stone rang out the men jumped back into action. 

The orchard became a hotbed of activity, the strikes of the pick's on stone, the creaks and crashes of the catapults, and the cries of the Spirit guards as they where cut down all mingled, fueling the enthusiasm of the attacking force. All of a sudden, a defender was spotted, at first thought to be bravely attempting to stop this attack. The men whispered about how courageous this man was, until he was spotted scurrying from house to house like a rat, taking all he could hold and running it back into his den. The men began to jeer him, and as the first gatehouse fell a few of the strongest climbed to the top and let loose a volley of arrows, one of which was planted into his rear end, but only served to make him move faster. 
 
As the second house fell, the army moved in with shovels, attacking the giant dirt walls which still impeded troop movement. A giant ravine was dug, just enough to bounce, trip and fall into this now penetrated deed. 
 
As the men spilled in, a few more defenders where spotted hiding in a building, looking in awe as the raid force started to surround them. They could not believe that their virgin deed had been breached by the warriors, and as the rocks fell around them they could only shout insults and bash on their chests like wild apes.
 
The attackers where split, three groups now worked in a chaotic swirl to break in and secure any goods they could find, whilst the back row continued to siege and the front line kept the defenders contained. They came upon a cave, reinforced and line with chests, all stood open and empty. in a fit of frustration, one man kicked the last one in the row, moving it inches. This revealed one more chest, with a lock of fantastic Quality.

The group gathered around, and a summon was sent to one of the finest lock pickers in the kingdom. They waited silently, barley breathing as this master worked with the tiny iron pick, poking and prodding at the lock. With a loud "click" the lock fell onto the floor and was forgotten as the chest sprang open to expose its wonderful treasures.

"Scale! We have found the scales of the Red Dragon!" someone proclaimed, and the cry was taken up among every member of the raid force. The defenders faces melted, and their tears where evident even through the thick steel helms that adorned their faces. As greedy hands started to enter the chest, the commander slammed it closed and roughly pushed his men aside. Calling to his scribe he requested a full inventory of the chest and its contents. Pausing, he reached in and produced a Shining Purple blade, carefully examining it with wonder and excitement. Striking a stray dog, he realized this blade had the power to leach health from any animals on which it feasted. Holding it above his head he proclaimed "I claim this for my own, to be sold in a land more peaceful than this, to fund My kingdom and pay penance to The God." 
 
Meanwhile, deep inside the enemy settlement, the raid force was doing damage to everything they could lay hands on. With mauls in hand and shards slamming the walls they attempted to break in. The defenders huddled in the safety of their gates, all the could do was watch as the invading force had their way with the deed. As the walls fell, three red garden Gnomes winked at them, then promptly disappeared into the backpacks of several people, never to be seen again. The raiders ransacked the house, overturning coffins, smashing into the wine barrels and picking the locked chests. Only once the chests had been opened was the name of the houses only resident reveled, as it was labeled on all the amazing items that the defenders stuffed into their pockets.
 
As the call for a regroup went out, many men had their eyes on the next target, a large tower that had an odd glow to it. as they assembled into formation, a weird sensation overtook them, and they found themselves unable to move, some effected worse than others. A scout informed the general that the defenders had disappeared, and the captain mulled over this information for a great duration of time. As the feeling set in and more people where locked in place, the great priests of the kingdom cast a spell of great clarity upon the troops, and as the world was cast into darkness only the voices of their comrades remained, whispering in their ears.
 
The darkness remained for an extended amount of time, and no one could figure out what had caused The God to bring such havoc for to his people. It was only late in the evening of the second day when a voice from the heavens stated that the world had been hit by a devastating force, and all would be returned to normal as soon as possible. The men gathered and discussed these messages, and hushed voices and whispers claimed that the Jen kellon warriors where behind this dastardly attack, using it as a front so they could summon more troops to defend their now ravished city. Many prayers where sent to The God, from both sides, and many decisions where made and reverted, regarding the state of this destroyed city. The Jen Kellon's cries where the loudest, and as their cries where answered they became more outlandish, growing from fibs into downright lies and consuming even the greatest of warriors.
 
Mol Rehan stood firm, not asking for anything other than what was fair, a chance to regroup and withdraw, making sure to leave no man or women behind in such an ungodly place. Miraculously, The God answered these prayers and instated a layer of safety over the area, permitting the victorious warriors to leave safely, and un hindered. On that third day, the fateful day that we regrouped, chaos once again surrounded our forces, but this time resistance coming from the enemy in the form of deceit and underhand schemes. Still they continued to moan about how it was unfair, so caught up in their feelings of anguish that thy could not see how this time of darkness had saved them, hindering our attack. 
 
With all our warriors back on the boat, and a proud Troll Statue waving us to a safe voyage, we started to sail away from that unholy place. The cries of the enemy ran in our ears, fueling or moral and inciting a blood rage that each and every member has channeled for the next attack. As we looked In the hold, at the rafts full of swords and shield, armour and tools, the feeling of a clean victory coursed through everyone's veins, and a nasty scowl was shot at the fellow "rubbing his dlck on the expensive shlt."
 
To the ones that fell, God bless you,
And to the ones who lived a toast was raised,
 
"Victory for Mol Rehan, Victory for the Empire!"
Edited by Weponsmith

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I think it could be improved if it where written from the perspective of a single soldier as they experienced the raid.


I want to hear about the emotions and feelings of that soldier as they arrived on the beach and looked up at the towering walls.


Where they afraid they may not get through in time? Was there a danger of enemy reinforcements attacking from behind? 


Right now it feels a little vague and wish-washy, and maybe climaxes a little too quickly.


 


But it was a good read and overview of the situation as it happened.


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I think reducing the amount of comma you put in a sentence would help it flow better. I just feel that its hitting too many sort pause to be fluent.

Just my opinion

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Makes sense Boom, I tend to run things on a fair bit, usually with descriptive but that carries into places where there really doesn't need to be breaks.


 


And Alden thanks there are few things for me to stew on. I find it hard to stick with a charterer and be able to, convey all the info I guess. I am sort of in the middle of another but shall wait a while because I think it is too soon ^_^ but I may see how it works telling it from my personal perspective and then maybe paralleling it wth someone (or an omniscient) Point of view. Probably just end up as jumpy as an ad-hd squirrel but, who knows!


 


Thanks for the input


Edited by Weponsmith

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